One of my favorite talks on divorce is by Elder Dallin H. Oaks titled "Divorce". In it he says that the remedy for a troubled marriage should not be divorce but should be repentance. I believe this to be true. There are very few reasons for a divorce between husband and wife to happen, and those are the extreme exceptions. Divorce should not be a solution to your problems, in fact we learned in class just how many more problems are caused by divorce. Instead a couple should repent of their sins and be selfless in their marriage, their should be a lot of forgiveness and work to move past the struggle and have a happy successful marriage again. God wants marriages to succeed, if you are considering divorce for any reason you should counsel strongly with the Lord and not make a decision unless it is manifest to you by the spirit. I believe however that this, in most cases, will not happen and instead you will be counseled to fix your marriage. The extreme cases where divorce may be necessary are in matters pertaining to abuse and endangerment to you or your children. Again, these are the extreme cases. There is a very good video that portrays this well, taken again from the talk "Divorce" by Elder Dallin H. Oaks: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dK4wvSLw8qI it is a very powerful video that helps us to gain a more healthy view on marriage. I think that divorce is the "easy way out" in most cases and instead of making things easier and better it actually makes things a lot harder for everyone involved and should be avoided like the plague.

We are learning more about the role of parenting this week in class. Parenting is such a sacred role and has such a huge impact on the family and society as a whole. I believe that we need to work on strengthening the family unit and after we do that society will naturally be a better place. In The Family A Proclamation to the World it says that "we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nation the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets." I think that this is a serious warning for us to get our families in order. The parents of the families have a huge responsibility to care for and teach their children in order for them to become well rounded members in society. In the article "The Vital Child-Parent Relationship" it says:

QUICK FACTS ON PARENTAL INVOLVEMENT

• Children who have parental support are likely to have better health as adults.
• Students with involved parents tend to earn higher grades, have better social skills, and are more likely to graduate and go on to post-secondary education.
• Children are more likely to be socially competent and have better communication skills when they have parents who are sensitive to their needs and emotions.
• Teens who are monitored by their parents are one-quarter as likely as teens with "hands-off" parents to smoke, drink, and use drugs.

As we can see from this the role that parents play in childrens lives have a huge impact and can diminish things like violence and drugs and will impact their social skills, all of these things would better society as a whole. 

Fatherhood

This week we are discussing the importance of fatherhood and the great impact that fathers can have in their child's life. Children need a father and a mother in their home. A father has a great impact on his children and the way that they grow, boys that have a strong fatherly figure show less aggression when they are older and girls who have a strong fatherly figure in their life are less promiscuous when they are older. The department of health and human services states that "children with involved, caring fathers have better educational outcomes."  There are large studies that show of the positive impact a father has in his children's lives based on their relationship.

Communication is a very important thing in a marriage relationship. Something that we talked about in class this week that stuck out to me was communicating in our different roles and what an impact on the marriage that can have. In our society we have a list of roles that are typical for the husband and another list of roles that are typical for the wife. I think that communicating about these roles and learning to do what are typical the "opposite genders" roles will improve our relationship and help us to grow closer together as husband and wife. Think of the example of making dinner which is typically seen as the wife's task. If the husband were to take an interest and help the wife with this role and learn how to cook different meals so that they can do it together the impact on this couple will be a good one with positive results. In The Family: A Proclamation to the World is talks about what typical roles the husband and wife should posses in a family, however it says something very important at the end of this paragraph, it says: "In these sacred responsibilities fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners." I think this is important and valuable in using as a template for our families.

Although conflict is hard and struggles may not be fun, conflict can and should help your family to grow together if handled the correct way. We are provided with conflict and struggles to help us to grow and improve, this is part of our Heavenly Father's plan to help us become more like him. Just as individual trials refine us personally, family conflict and trials can also help us to grow and refine us. Doctrine and Covenants 121:7-8 says "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes." Both of these scriptural accounts tell us that we can overcome and be strengthened by adversity or conflict. Also in Doctrine and Covenants 122 it says:  5 If thou art called to pass through ^atribulation; if thou art in perils among false brethren; if thou art in ^bperils among robbers; if thou art in perils by land or by sea;

 6 If thou art ^aaccused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee; if they tear thee from the society of thy father and mother and brethren and sisters; and if with a drawn sword thine enemies tear thee from the bosom of thy wife, and of thine offspring, and thine elder son, although but six years of age, shall cling to thy garments, and shall say, My father, my father, why can’t you stay with us? O, my father, what are the men going to do with you? and if then he shall be thrust from thee by the sword, and thou be dragged to ^bprison, and thine enemies prowl around thee like ^cwolves for the blood of the lamb;

 7 And if thou shouldst be cast into the ^apit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the ^bdeep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to ^chedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of ^dhell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee^eexperience, and shall be for thy good."

Both of these scriptural accounts tell us that we can overcome and be strengthened by adversity or conflict.

This week in class we discussed sexual intimacy. I was reminded of the sacredness of the marriage relationship and how it is important to keep intimacy in it's proper bounds until after marriage. We learn in class that there are certain hormones released during intimacy, one that stuck out to me was the hormone called oxytocin. Boys and girls both have it but girls produce higher amounts of it. It is called the "bonding" hormone because it helps you to feel more bonded to your spouse. Creating these bonds outside of marriage can be dangerous when the commitment levels are low. This is one of the reasons that i believe you should not have sexual intimacy outside of marriage. President Ezra Taft Benson taught “Do not be misled by Satan’s lies. There is no lasting happiness in immorality. There is no joy to be found in breaking the law of chastity. Just the opposite is true. There may be momentary pleasure. For a time it may seem like everything is wonderful. But quickly the relationship will break down. Guilt and shame set in. We become fearful that our sins will be discovered. We must sneak and hide, lie and cheat. Love begins to die. Bitterness, jealousy, anger, and even hate begin to grow. All of these are the natural results of sin and transgression.

“On the other hand, when we obey the law of chastity and keep ourselves morally clean, we will experience the blessings of increased love and peace, greater trust and respect for our marital partners, deeper commitment to each other, and therefore a deep and significant sense of joy and happiness. …

“… Decide now to be chaste. The decision to be chaste and virtuous need only be made once. Make that decision now, and let it be so firm and with such deep commitment that it can never be shaken”

I believe that living chaste lives before marriage will bring you more happiness in your marriage. 

Something that stood out to me this week in class was when we were discussing planning weddings and how even that can impact your future marriage relationship. The main point that stood out to me was when we talked about how having your parents pay for your wedding, especially when it's an expensive one, can do some things to your marriage because after this happens you tend to feel indebted to your parents and that relationship can become a little confusing. I also really liked the story about the couple who were living together because they were saving all this money up for their wedding and when they saw Bro. Williams he told them that they would have a happier marriage if they had a small affordable wedding and got married instead of putting the stresses of cohabitation on the relationship. So the couple took this advice and said that it was the best decision they had ever made. It's important for us to remember the significance of marriage and plan for the future rather than just the wedding day, and it doesn't need to be expensive to mean more.

This week was a very interesting week of learning for me in class, I had a lot of interest in the topics and I feel like I learned a lot because of class discussions. We talked about dating and how traditional dating has changed and isn't want it used to be. We were told in class that the definition of dating is to go on a variety of dates with a variety of people, next you should move into the courtship stage which means that you are dating one person with assumptions of moving to marriage. After courtship is engagement which means that the couple plans on getting married at a certain time, and then you move onto marriage. Something that I found very interesting is the R.A.M. model which is the relationship attachment model. The model illustrates that it's important to know someone before you trust, rely, commit or touch someone. If this is out of balance it creates the illusion that you know someone a lot more than you really do. I found this so important and think that it is extremely important for other to know about also. I think that things are out of balance in dating and people should be more aware of the traditional values of dating.

This week in class we discussed some of the different gender roles that are in families. We explored the ideas that the tendencies we have are either God given or if it's something that we gain from things like social media and the people that we are around. Personally i believe it's both. In The Family: A Proclamation to the World it says that "gender is an essential characteristic of individual pre-mortal, mortal and eternal identity and purpose". I think that naturally with gender comes tendencies that we have gained from our Heavenly parents. I also think that as we come to earth and grow that we are shaped by the environment and social media around us which may cultivate and have an influence on the tendencies that we have. I think that they can cause some of our natural tendencies to grow and also help us to gain new ones. I also know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us and has created both males and females to be equal, this doesn't mean we all have the same exact characteristics or responsibilities, but it does mean that we each have very important roles that when put together in marriage create something that is divine and has the potential to be perfect. I am thankful for differences in roles and tendencies because it gives us a sense of self worth and importance. I am glad that as a man and woman we are not the same but are different because with the differences we have we compliment and help each other to succeed and grow by teaching each other.

This week in class we have been discussing social class and how that can effect our families. We watched some you-tube videos about different people's social classes and some of the every day things that they experience. We saw extremes on both sides from the wealthiest of people to the poorest of people. I do think that our social class has a tendency to effect our family for good or for bad but i think that the biggest factor is your outlook on life and how you perceive others because of your social class. If you have all the money in the world and because of your high social class you look down upon others this can not only effect your own life but will rub off onto your children and how they perceive others in relation to how much money they have. On the other side being poor and always coveting what others have and wishing for more can negatively impact you and your children as well. I think that the best medicine for social class and allowing it to effect your family is to create humility within you, your spouse and your children. Also instill hard work as a principle in your family. I think this will help to eliminate some of the negative effects that social class can have on your family.

I am Amy Hegerhorst, i go to BYU- Idaho and I am a Marriage and Family Studies major with a professional clinical emphasis. I am so grateful for families and know that they are crucial to our well being as individuals and as societies. I am thankful for modern day prophets who teach us of the importance of families and help us to create lasting, eternal families through gospel principles centered around Jesus Christ. I have set up this blog to be able to record some of the things that i will learn in my Family Relations class and to keep a journal of my progress during this semester.